by Kyle Bagsby
Whoever came up with the idea of assigned seats in the cafeteria is a butt. I mean seriously, why does it matter where we sit, and as a result of that stupid idea, I have to sit next to Billy Tillerson every single day.
Ohhhh but the best part is, Billy Tillerson is a stupid flippin zombie. Yeah, I said it, stupid zombie. We’re supposed to call them “life-challenged,” but he’s just a dumb zombie! A DUMB ZOMBIE! Okay, maybe I didn’t say it out loud, but I sure thought it out loud. Mostly, because the last time I said it out loud, I got in a whole bunch of trouble. I’m talking no video games and double chores kind of trouble.
I should be disgusted by the fact that I have to listen to him slurp up eyeball juice and munch on moist brain, but honestly, I could care less about that part now. Wanna know why I’m so upset? It’s because Billy Tillerson, the life-challenged person, gets special treatment every day while I’m sitting here eating spaghetti. Nobody likes school spaghetti. The stuff tastes like wet grass dipped in tomatoes. All the while, Billy Tillerson gets to eat eyeballs and brains! Where does the school even find eyeballs and brains!!!
I’ll be the first to admit; it was pretty cool when Billy Tillerson got turned into a zombie. After the new wore off, it got boring though, and he got really annoying. He just sits there and drools and moans and sometimes he runs into walls. They had him eating regular lunch for a while but after a few weeks he tried to eat the lunch lady Mrs. Simmons, and that’s when they started getting him brains for lunch.
Billy Tillerson really wasn’t all that bad after he first got bit. We still played video games like we used to, but not anymore. Mom made me invite him over last week, and he tried to eat the controller. Then he tried to eat my neighbor’s cat, and then his nose fell off. Mom put it in a sandwich bag for him and sent it home with him. Now he just stinks like old rotten meat and fish food, and his head is all bloated. Don’t even get me started on the worms, and for some reasons he’s eyes are all bulged out, and they look crazy.
Some people would be scared of having to sit next to a zombie for lunch, not me though. I’m scared of having to eat spaghetti every day for lunch for the rest of my life because it’s all the school can afford after buying brains and eyeballs for this stupid zombie that I’m forced to sit beside because my last name comes after his in alphabetical order. Is that fair? No, it’s not fair. If Billy Tillerson could just stop trying to eat everybody, we wouldn’t have this problem!
You know what, first thing Monday morning, I’m gonna march into the principal’s office and demand chicken nuggets every day for lunch, or I’m gonna start eating kids. I better get chocolate milk too.